What Would I Do If Everyone Were Suddenly Hobbits?

Suddenly being transformed into a hobbit would be both bewildering and the subject of many funny yet concerning scenarios. Let’s explore the situations and potential outcomes through the lens of a typical person.

Increased Convenience and Comical Situations

Imagine having a stack of hobbit-sized issues to tackle. For instance, transporting a hobbit businessman to his office 8 blocks away due to a time-crunch would be a delightful experience. Instead of saying, 'He looks a bit heavy,' one might suggest, 'Hop on, I’ll carry you!'

Data:

Everything okay sir?
Hobbit businessman: breathing heavily
I have a meeting in 10 minutes and my office is 8 blocks from here.
Me: bending down
Get on.
Hobbit businessman:
climbing on
Thanks! Now fly Eagle! Fly!

While practical, these scenarios also bring about comical moments. For example, walking around to help people reach products on high shelves or handling personal emergencies such as chicken nugget packaging requiring a help from a shorter person. The intercom announcement in the grocery store is a perfect example of the cultural adaptation process:

Data:

“Attention creepy tall guy walking around the store for no reason: Please head to aisle 3 and grab the raisin bran off the top shelf for a customer. When you’re done with that please take your creepy tallness elsewhere. Thank you.”

Additionally, physical humor becomes more prominent, like the need for a sports cup to avoid certain types of physical contact. In more humorous relationships, adopting a more adventurous lifestyle—perhaps resembling the hobbit Aragorn—could lead to various misadventures and unexpected outcomes. Here’s a fictional dialogue snippet:

Data:

Hobbit wife: Howard what are you doing?
Howard: Who’s Howard I’m Aragorn! I’m here to escort you to Mordor! But first we need to stop at Pleasuretown to resupply! Look! I’ve brought my sword!
Hobbit wife: …..Looks more like a dagger.
Howard: Ah but I know how to use it! Come! We’re off to Pleasuretown!!
Hobbit wife: ……I want to go to Divorceville.

Realistic Concerns and Adaptations

Despite the initial excitement, the reality of suddenly being tall in a hobbit world would quickly become a source of stress. Safety concerns become paramount; protecting oneself from potential physical attacks or experiments would be a priority. Furthermore, the protagonist would need to adapt to the new social dynamics:

Data:

“Howard what are you doing?”
Howard: “Who’s Howard I’m Aragorn! I’m here to escort you to Mordor! But first we need to stop at Pleasuretown to resupply! Look! I’ve brought my sword!”
Hobbit wife: “…..Looks more like a dagger.”
Howard: “Ah but I know how to use it! Come! We’re off to Pleasuretown!!”
Hobbit wife: “……I want to go to Divorceville.”

While the protagonist’s crotch would become a concern due to the increased risk of being punched, the ability to navigate and influence could provide a unique advantage.

Unique Advantages and Challenges

The height advantage would lead to significant changes in society. The protagonist could potentially bring about massive societal changes, such as resolving conflicts or leading a charge. Here’s an example of how:

Data:

Hobbit wife: “Howard what are you doing?”
Howard: “Who’s Howard I’m Aragorn! I’m here to escort you to Mordor! But first we need to stop at Pleasuretown to resupply! Look! I’ve brought my sword!”

Data:

Hobbit wife: “…..Looks more like a dagger.”
Howard: “Ah but I know how to use it! Come! We’re off to Pleasuretown!!”
Hobbit wife: “……I want to go to Divorceville.”

In this scenario, the protagonist has a unique perspective and could potentially lead the world in a positive direction:

Data:

I could bring about world peace. If they are all tiny I could bring them all down to their knees because yes they could still operate the tanks and stuff I would be the only one not fetus sized and I could lead the charge.
Holy shit! I could dominate the world. Me. With the entire US government backing me. Wow… The United empire of America… Sounds glorious.

While this idea is purely fictional, it highlights the significant advantages and challenges that arise from the unique position of being tall in a predominantly short society.

Conclusion

If everyone suddenly transformed into hobbits, the experience would be filled with a mix of comical situations, safety concerns, and unique advantages. The protagonist would need to adapt and leverage their height for various positive outcomes, whether it be personal happiness, safety, or world-changing events.