Navigating the Rollercoaster of Psychosis: Personal Insights and Experiences

My journey through psychosis has been a tumultuous one, marked by highs and lows, moments of clarity and confusion. This personal narrative aims to provide a detailed account of my experiences with psychosis, offering insights into what it feels like to navigate this often misunderstood condition.

From Elevated Moods to Detachment

Remembering the moment I went from feeling extremely tired to experiencing elevated moods was jarring. It happened suddenly, over just a few days. I began to believe I could publish an article in Nature and even considered myself akin to a king. This delusional thinking led me to text my friend's sister, despite her request to stop, and I imagined her as a university student who played mice and cat games. When her brother came to the university, his voice struck me as demonic, and I thought he was a security threat.

He brought me back to my home, where I believed I could travel through space. Once there, the delusions continued. I thought I could transport myself as if by magic, like the characters in Harry Potter. When my sisters returned, they found me lying on the grass, testing water temperature for hours and applying cat litter to myself with the belief it would give me energy. I believed that the parasite Toxoplasma gondii could imbue me with more energy.

Encounters with Anxiety and Paranoia

In the hospital, my erratic behavior continued. I would not stand still and often walked until I was out of breath. Upon waking, I often felt I was in paradise but alternatively, I saw someone who looked like an aggressor, leading to panic attacks. I was restrained and shouted, "Satan leave me!!" while believing I was possessed by the devil.

The next significant phase began in fall 2012, where I experienced a four-month and a half-long depression with suicidal thoughts. To prevent myself from acting on those thoughts, I even wore an anti-suicide vest with a suicide sheet and was followed by a security guard around the clock. At this time, I believed I was purchased by the Hell's Angels and saw them everywhere, even on a street where I witnessed someone distributing Bibles from a Mercedes.

Recovery and Stability

Navigating the brain fog that followed was challenging, but I slowly realized that it was a result of my own imagination. By then, I had entered a hypomanic state (2014–2017), where I was enthusiastic and productive. I took sculpture classes, acting classes, and improvisation courses and became involved in Toastmasters. I worked out regularly, and my life was a whirlwind of activities, requiring me to travel long distances to attend meetings in Montreal.

Despite this high energy and productivity, occasional psychotic episodes occurred, such as in 2016 when I almost left to find an exit back to Montreal, 10–20 km/h too slowly for traffic. In 2017, a rector banned me from the university for life, and my mental hospitalization in the fall of that year further emphasized the urgency of my situation.

Throughout these years, I suffered from depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts, which only exacerbated my condition. I also had to deal with legal and financial issues, including the destruction of possessions and an increasing debt. The psychological journey through these experiences is a testament to both the challenges and the resilience of the human spirit.

For me, sanity is like a movie; there is a producer in our mind, guiding us to the best outcome in each scene. While I missed a few details, this summary encapsulates my past seven years and serves as a reminder of the path to recovery.

Conclusion: My experience with psychosis has been a profound and often distressing journey, but through therapy and medication, I have been able to manage my condition. I hope my story can provide some insight into the complexities of living with mental illness and inspire others to seek support and understanding.